Will My Children Become Adults Who Love the Church -or- A Reddit Poster On A Deconstruction Thread?

Brother.

You dread this moment. I dread this moment. We plead with God for it to pass over ours.

The day is fading away, and there you are, praying with your son or your daughter and their little voice slips out, “God, please don’t let Daddy have another meeting tomorrow night.”

It’s not said in anger. They don’t even sound bitter.

But it’s honest. Which is all the worse.

By God’s mercy, the prayers of many over my son and daughter, and some intentional bits of applied wisdom I haven’t lived in this timeline. And I’m begging God to never experience it.

But don’t miss this - My ministry schedule has felt like competition to my kids.

Every pastor’s kid (me included) grows up with a tension that exists in the background… They see the best of church life, and they see the ugliest parts too. They watch their dad pour out compassion to strangers and then, running on fumes, they see their dad go to level 10 and turn into a version of themselves that does not the social highlight reel. They feel the burden of expectations (“don’t mess up, you’re the pastor’s kid”... And yes, every pastor’s kid hears some version of this).

And slowly, if we’re not careful, their hearts can harden against the very Bride of Christ we want them to love and be woven into.

Paul warns us, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” -Ephesians 6:4.

Brother, our kids can become “provoked” not just by harshness but by absence. Read that again if it’s helpful. If needed, I’ll double down… Saying, “I love you” loses its beauty when our kids feel less than loved.

Leading Them as Your First Disciples

Your kids need to see that THEY are your first ministry. They need to feel that Dad treasures them above staff, Sundays, sermons, elders, deacons, boards and conferences.

That means guarding family spaces and times, showing up at their games, saying NO to some church asks so you can say YES to dinner at home. Being a comprehensive man who can speak with resolve and power while also being able to be tender and intimate.

We also have to let them be kids. They don’t need to live under extra rules because of your role… After all, last I checked, my kids didn’t sign the employment contract. They aren’t mascots, forced labor, or the model church member.

Brother. You and I both know they need freedom to be normal children. Laughing, stumbling, and growing in a framework of grace and truth.

And above all, they need to see your authentic walk with Jesus at home. Not a professional Christian who polishes it up for Sunday, but a dad who prays with them, apologizes when he’s wrong, and laughs around the dinner table.

The Last 10% You and I Would Rather Just Avoid

Do my kids and your kids feel blessed or burdened by your calling? When they’re grown, will they remember church as the thief of their dad’s time or as the place where they got to see God’s goodness firsthand?

John said, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” -3 John 1:4

That’s the win. Not their perfect behavior in the pews, not their image to the church — BUT THEIR LOVE FOR JESUS.

Guard that above everything.