The Church Is Getting Your Best. Your Wife and Children Get What’s Left.

“Mark, you’re absolutely crushing it at the church. But brother, I’m worried your kids are getting your C-level energy, effort, and planning. If I’m right, you may win the battle but you’ll lose the war.”

The weight of those words sucked all the air from my mouth, my lungs, and my soul.

My wife and I moved to Charleston, SC knowing God had called us to plant a church. We’d sold everything that wasn’t nailed down, resigned from secure jobs, left some incredible friendships, and moved farther away from our families (whom we are closely knit to). As the Lead Pastor of this ragtag group who called our church plant home, I was giving everything: energy, compassion, and patience all poured out - after all, I was pot-committed to say the last. Privately, in my prayer life, I was begging and pleading with God to grow our church, grow the larger network of churches in Charleston, and foremost to advance the Kingdom. And at the end of (most) days (when I wasn’t working 3rd shift delivering food to hungover college students) I’d drag myself through the back door of our townhome looking more like an extra on The Walking Dead, than a husband and dad ready to invest in the most precious relationships this side of heaven. My wife was getting the tired, irritable, or ADHD horse-blinders-on version of me all while she graciously listened to my frustrations, dreams, ideas… which mostly consisted of things at the church (unless it was football season, in which case, she had to hear about UGA). I look back and even typing this out to share with you my brother… It brings so much pain (even anger) to my heart. I was so “off” yet that version of me was so convinced he was “right”.

It doesn’t have to be like this.

Brother, even more so, it can’t be like that. Not if you are submitted to Jesus.

In this sacred calling and the stewardship of it, in our roles of husbands, fathers, and pastors - if we win the admiration of our church but inflict wounds to our marriage and on our children, we’ve lost where it truly matters.

Loving OUR BRIDE as Christ Loves His.

Leading our children in a way in which we give a hearty “AMEN” to John, the brother of Jesus as he says, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” -3 John 1:4

It’s painfully easy to justify neglecting our wives “for the sake of ministry.” We tell ourselves we’re doing God’s work, so our family will understand. But God never calls us to sacrifice our marriage on the altar of ministry. In fact, Scripture pointedly asks:

“If someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” (1 Timothy 3:5).

Our wife and our children are not an afterthought to the call - they are our first calling. Craig Groeschel, Senior Pastor of Life Church, even builds this into his daily affirmations:

“Jesus is first in my life… I love my wife and will lay down my life to serve her.”

He’s echoing Paul’s command and setting a precedent: our bride should never feel like ministry’s competition.

Yet, many of us have had a “Pete Scazzero moment”; the wake-up call in which our wife’s unmet needs confront us. Pete Scazzero recounted how his wife Geri finally said, “I’m not doing it anymore… This church is no longer life for me. It is death.” She loved Pete but quit his church because, in her words, “I no longer respect your leadership.” (Talk about gut wrenching, undoing moment.) Pete admits he had brought home constant stress and exhaustion; in trying to save his church, he was losing his marriage. That “worst day” became the turning point for him to repent and radically restructure his priorities. I pray none of us wait until our wife is at a breaking point to make changes.

Reverse Engineering the Process

How do we practically put our wife first? It starts with BOUNDARIES. (Don’t dare tune this out brother. You’ve preached on this but it needs to seep deeper in you.)

Marriage counselor Dr. Kim Kimberling says, boundaries are a must in ministry. That means scheduling sacred family time (date nights - even when we’re light in the wallet, daily check-ins, a shared, sacred Sabbath) and defending it as firmly as you’d defend the sermon on Sundays. It may mean saying “no” to certain evening commitments so that your wife doesn’t always get a burnt-out version of you. As Henry Cloud teaches,

“Good boundaries…always produce freedom, not control.”

In this case, boundaries free you to be fully present at home. And brother… please, for the love… HEAR ME… the church WON’T IMPLODE if you’re appropriately, rhythmically unavailable. In fact, you’ll lead better with a healthy home life as your foundation.

Honoring your wife also means engaging her heart. She married a husband, not just a pastor. Do you still laugh together, pursue her, listen to her dreams? If ministry has consumed those parts of you, it’s time to reconnect. Pete Scazzero often warns that “unhealthy leaders engage in more activities than their combined spiritual, physical, and emotional reserves can sustain”. That was me… unfortunately at times, it still is… giving out more than I was receiving, especially at home.

The remedy is to pull back and refuel. Spend unrushed, unplugged time with your wife – not as an item on a to-do list, but as your joy and priority. And brother - YES, especially at first, this discipline will be hard! But hear me - is the pain here better than the pain there?! My brother, pray with her, not just for her.

God first, marriage second, ministry third. Getting those in the right order brings peace.

And catch this…

Brothers, loving your wife well is ministry! It’s pastoring the most important congregation God gave you – your family. And when your marriage is strong, your church will be stronger too (they desperately need the model of a healthy Christian marriage). On the flip side, if your wife is languishing, no amount of “success” at church will compensate.

I drift back to Carey Nieuwhof’s confession after he burned out: in caring for the church, “I had not adequately cared for my heart or soul”.

Part of that care is caring for our spouse’s heart. Who you are at home is MORE IMPORTANT than what you do on stage.

So we’re brothers here… which means we take on the last 10%, the uncomfortable last bit that neither of us want to talk about.

You and I, let’s ask ourselves: Do our wives and children feel cherished or cheated by ministry? Have you given them reason to believe, “My husband/dad treasures me even more than the church”?

If you’re unsure, be humble enough to ask her. Apologize and seek forgiveness where needed. Make changes – starting today. It might be as simple as turning your phone off at dinner, or as big as scheduling a sabbatical to reconnect. Whatever it takes, PRIORITIZE THOSE WHO WILL BE SITTING ON THE FRONT ROW AT YOUR FUNERAL. Our wives and children are a gift from God, not to be taken for granted. Love them “in an understanding way” (1 Peter 3:7), tenderly and attentively.

Let me assure you brother, the church will survive (and likely have a much more significant impact) if you set healthier boundaries. Geri Scazzero (I mentioned her earlier… the wife who “quit” her husband’s church) later saw a new man emerge in Pete. After he put in the work, she found a husband who was renewed, submitted to the Father, and ready to lead with his wife instead of apart from her.

You and I can be that kind of man. You and I can be that type of pastor.